The Jitters

For the past 3 days I’ve been shaky. Oddly, it’s not like if I pick something up you can visibly see it shaking in my hand, I’m shaky on the inside. And nervous. Like I might have a panic attack at any minute. For the first 2 days I thought maybe the fruit is affecting me again and I’m just spasing out. I thought maybe I need to be working out hard to burn off the sugar if I’m going to be eating fruit. And then I though, you know, there have been times in the past I felt something unsettling physically, and after talking it out it turned out to be an emotional problem. I started talking it out inside myself. ‘Is something going on I’m not fully aware of?’ I asked myself. My first response was, ‘No, everything is fine. What could possibly be wrong?’ But as I thought about it some things began to surface, and since I don’t have anyone to talk to at the moment, I figured I’d talk it out here.
First of all, the thing I’m feeling is most urgent is the anxiety I’m feeling over starting my Wellness Coaching business. Even if I were 100% confident in my abilities, it would still be such a huge life change that it would be enough on its own to send me into panic. But added to that is the fact that I don’t feel 100% confident. I don’t think I should at this point. I know I’ve reached a place where I can’t go any further as far as learning how to be a great coach without getting out there and learning from the actual experience of coaching. I know how I’m going to do everything, and I know this is what I’m meant to do. I’m struggling with having faith that it will all move along smoothly and I’m worrying over the little things. Not so much the actual act of coaching, I’m pretty calm about coaching once I have a client. What I worry about is things like what to say when I answer the phone, and how to sell myself in a comp session. I worry about being too nervous to take charge and fake confidence and create a safe comfortable space for my client. I’ve always been the kind of person who lets others take the lead. In conversations I’m just along for the ride. It’s very difficult for me to think of questions to ask people. Well, what is a Wellness Coach? A person who is an expert at asking questions. I’m worried about money. I’m worried I won’t be able to find clients and mostly that my husband will be upset if I’m not earning enough. I’m worried that the business costs will upset him and I’ll have to make at least enough to cover those. I’m also worried about the opposite, of having a high demand for my services and not wanting to turn down any opportunities and becoming too busy and overwhelmed. I’m worried a client might be mean to me. I’m worried about feeling like a failure. I’m worried about meeting in public places where I have social anxiety issues as it is. But I also don’t feel it’s safe to meet people for the first time in their homes or mine. I’m worried about all the business aspects, since I am not at all a business person. I’m worried about it taking me away from my kids even more than I already am. I’m worried about the chores piling up even worse than they already are. I could go on and on. I didn’t even realize I was having all these thoughts!
Second, the lump. I tried to call and make a Dr. appointment yesterday and the number was disconnected. I looked it up online and that number gave me a busy signal. I will now likely have to call the insurance and see what can be done. If you know me, you probably know I have social anxiety where the phone is concerned, so this is a pretty big stressor. I’m also behind on several other phone calls, including the one to have the mold remediated from our house. And since I now have a little infection festering in my right lung, I really need to get on that. But back to the lump, I’m worried about dealing with state funded doctors. I’m worried about the tests they might run, and worried that they won’t run any at all. And of course I’m worried about what they might find and what treatment it might need.
Randomeness… I’m worried about how the dog keeps getting out of the yard and my husband is threatening to “get rid of her”. I’m worried about getting everything ready for the yard sale. I’m worried about the sink full of dishes and the piles of laundry to be folded. I’m worried about the fact that it’s been 2 months since I worked out and I can’t seem to get motivated to go to the Y in the mornings. I’m worried about how all three of my kids suddenly came down with UTIs… why would they all get one at the same time? I’m worried about having paid $15 to post an ad online to sell my hair and so far I’ve only gotten email scammers. I’m worried about needing to figure out a special healthy treat to make for the kids that they will all like for Saturday night, which is our family fall decorating party. I’m worried about having my cavities drilled on the 18th after I heard a kid screaming having his done while I was getting mine cleaned. The lady kept saying he’s a great patient and must not be all the way numb and she couldn’t believe the Dr. was doing that to him.
And then there are the usual, deeper issues. Worry about my health. Worry about dying and leaving my kids. Worry about my husband finishing school and us moving to Arizona. And the #1 fear of all time, the one that has followed me from birth, the fear of not being loved, accompanied by the fear of loving. I have yet to feel anything worse than loving with my whole heart and not being loved back. I feel trapped because I feel I can’t discuss feelings with my husband. He is instantly overwhelmed and angry at my feelings because he feels out of control and knows he can’t make things better. If only he could understand that he CAN help by just being my friend and not judging what I say to him.
I am well aware that what we fear becomes our reality. I’m aware that thoughts are things and that whatever we think will materialize in our lives. But what do I do with all this? Comments are more than welcome!