The Many Misadventures of an Aspiring Raw-Foodist

The purpose of this blog is to give you a realistic view of the transition to a raw vegan life and the restoration of health. It isn't always easy. I don't always feel amazing. But in the end it is worth it. My hope is that I can inspire others to make positive changes in their own lives.


Beginning a New Cleanse

Today was day 3 of a 44-day Candida cleanse. This cleanse was recommended by my colon therapist (as mentioned in my last post). I will be doing the 15-day CandiGONE cleanse, 1 week of intense probiotic supplementation, another 15-day CandiGONE cleanse, followed by another week of intense probiotic supplementation. The 1st half of the cleanse I will be slowly filtering out my problems foods, primarily fruit and grain. They will be used as needed to slow the cleanse should I overcleanse like I did last time and not be able to eliminate enough to keep up with it. Ideally, I would be doing 2 sessions of colon hydrotherapy per week throughout this cleanse, but that’s not in the budget, so I’m making due with a slow cleanse, enemas, and beets. I will be taking Oil of Oregano during this cleanse, a little more than is recommended on the bottle. I am also taking Herbal Answers Aloe Force. My diet is vegetablecentric. I begin my day (vegetable) juicing as long as is reasonably comfortable, then I eat low sugar fruit (for the first week, then I will be saying goodbye to fruit until after the 44 days). I will have a salad for lunch with a cooked side, if needed. And a salad for dinner with a cooked side. In the evenings I will have a light, sugar-free dessert and/or herbal tea, as needed. Ideally, I would be juicing until dinner and only eating dinner (salad and cooked side) but I’m currently not where I need to be with my blood sugar issues to do that. I am also doing some cleansing lifestyle practices. Rebounding, breathing fresh air, getting sun on my skin, sweating, dry brushing, getting plenty of sleep, enemas (as I just mentioned), and working through buried emotions. This is the longest cleanse I’ve ever committed to, there was a lot of anxiety going into it, and there still is a good amount. I’m both excited and nervous to see what’s to come. I’ve never attempted to kill off this much yeast before, and I have no clue what living in a body without all this yeast feels like, nor where the process will take me along the way. Wish me luck!

The foods I will be eating on this cleanse are: leafy greens, neutral vegetables (cooked and raw), starchy vegetables (cooked and raw), raw goat cheese, organic eggs (on occasion, as needed), nut milks, lemon juice, stevia, vegetable broth, herbal tea. I will be starting off with raw almonds, raw almond butter, and low sugar fruit (green apple, grapefruit, or berries) as needed to bring the cleanse on nice and slow during the first 1-2 weeks.


Cleanse Conclusion and Colon Hydrotherapy

It has been way too long, friends! A quick update on the outcome of my last cleanse and what happened since then.

I still don’t know if what I experienced was a healing crisis or the flu. One of my children did vomit during the night several days later, and my kids aren’t prone to such things, so it may have been a flu. Regardless, I’m still just so in awe of the connectedness I had with my body at the time. It’s amazing what our bodies will tell us if we listen. The illness I went through lasted a week, during that time I spent 2 days eating nothing but Ezekiel bread (a total of 6 slices) because that was all that I could stomach. I was set back by this illness in that my blood sugar went all wacky and once my stomach started to feel better I was insatiably hungry for days. It took a week after I recovered to get back on track with being able to juice until afternoon and eat raw until dinner and such. In the end I lost 5 pounds, bringing me down to 116, and lost 1 inch off of all of my measurements… I wasn’t too excited about losing weight anywhere but my waist. Tons of the bloat went down though, so that was wonderful

Then, we went on a trip for 18 days. This trip involved LOTS of road travel. I ended up eating way more grain than I should have and I was very uncomfortably constipated the entire time, despite attempts at enemas several times, most of which didn’t yield much.

I’ve been back home almost 4 weeks now and I’m still struggling to get back on track. I did stop eating grain a few weeks ago, but I am currently eating some fruit (grapefruit and apples). Trying to limit to 1 piece a day and only eat it after my morning juice. I’m not being perfect though. I’ve had a ton of gas (again, I thought we were over this after my last cleanse), and have gotten back into the afternoon slump habit where my energy just depletes around 3 pm. Despite all this I’ve managed to keep my weight around 118-119, which is great, I only go over 120 if I’m very bloated.

SO! I FINALLY made my appointments for those 2 colonics I got Groupons for. This was such an interesting experience because in a way I felt like things were coming full circle, like this validated what I believe and what I teach. I make a point not to ask people to do things I myself have not tried and found beneficial, but I do recommend colon hydrotherapy and have a very strong testimony that it IS THE key to health. Having the opportunity to experience it myself was so wonderful!

*****TMI WARNING, Here’s where I start talking about my colonic experience!!!!!*****

These colonics were done at Blue Nile Spa in St. Louis where an open LIBBE system is used, which is a gravity fed system. In the world of colonics the most gentle and thorough is the Woods system, but they are hard to find (you can check to see if there is one near you here The next best thing is the gravity fed, open LIBBE system, and the third option, which is nowhere near as gentle and can cause some issues by further impacting waste, is the pressurized, closed system (basically it forces water into you and sucks it back out). There is no Woods anywhere near, so I went with the LIBBE gravity fed system.

My first appointment was on Monday January 31st at 1:15 pm. I was a mix of excited and nervous all day. Ideally, you would only take in vegetable juices before a colonic, but my blood sugar can’t handle that yet, so at best you should never eat within 2 hours of the appointment. I had goat cheese lettuce wraps about an hour and 45 minutes before. I didn’t realize how nervous I was until I got there and concerns kept spilling out of my mouth to the therapist (who, by the way, I adore greatly). After a consultation she took me into the room and explained what I was to do and left me to it. In the room there is a table, just like this You can see the shape of the table allows for your legs to rest in a bent position. Notice the hole in the table. Inside that hole is a disposable plastic tube with a rounded tip that the water flows through. What you do is put on a gown and climb up on the table. Remove the plastic cover from the tube, put a latex glove on one hand and apply lubricant to the end of the tube and to yourself. There is a trash can sitting next to the table for you to discard things. Next, you insert the tube (which I was surprised was held rather tightly in place, you can’t pull it out or push it into the table) and lay back on the padded table. You’ve also got a large sheet to drape over yourself. When you’re all situated you push a little button that lets the therapist know you’re ready.

At this point she came back in… I have to interject and say I had major concerns because I’d had this painful hemorrhoid show up over the weekend and despite my suffocating it with cream, it just wouldn’t back off. I was very worried about the amount of irritation there would be from the tube and the waste leaving my body. She had given me some horse chestnut to help combat it and strongly suggested I got on a Candida cleanse, followed by a week or two of taking probiotics, and then repeat the process. She said that good bacteria are responsible for creating vitamin K, which is needed to keep blood vessels strong. Okay, so she came back in. This is where I realize I’m so nervous my legs are shaking. I’m afraid of nausea, because I have a phobia of vomiting. I always panic when I feel nauseated. Also, she’d said that toward the end your cells are so hydrated they go through this releasing of waste and you get hot flashes and might shake a little, that scared me too! Because I was so scared she started the water off slow and cooler than usual because the warmer the water is the more nausea people experience, but the warm water removes more waste. I wanted her to stay with me a bit, which she was a little surprised about because usually people just want to be alone and relax. It only took a minute for me to figure out why this is (and I laugh at myself now)… you’re basically pooping into a hole in a table while lying down and if it isn’t awkward enough to carry on a conversation with a tube in your bum, it certainly is awkward to poop in front of a stranger! So I just keep filling and filling with water, thinking maybe I just don’t get how it works because I’m so used to holding enemas. So she turns off the water and steps out. Literally, the moment the door closes it aaaaaaaall lets loose! I find this funny because the whole thing was very much like giving birth (minus the pain, thankfully). I needed to be alone to release, and this happened several times during my sessions. She came back in and turned the water back on, left me alone again and my body got in to the ebb and flo of the process. It did feel weird to be so full of water, but it was only nauseating when she did the “massage” which was basically pressing the palms of her hands hard into my abdomen following my colon in a clockwise motion. I came up on to my elbows, as she suggested, and felt just fine. I also found it easier to eliminate this way. I would get cramps like having a big bowel movement, or maybe mild diarrhea, followed by an elimination and relief from cramping. I have to say this, because it was my big question I couldn’t find the answer to beforehand, the tube stays in place during elimination. I’d hear that it “moves out of the way” and couldn’t understand what that means. It doesn’t move, the waste just goes around it, and more easily than one might think. I also want to say that the waste goes into a large clear viewing tube and there is a mirror so you can see what is coming out of you. I was FASCINATED by this! I really thought a lot more would come out of me though. When my time was up she came in and put a probiotic into the tube to go into me, its 3-4 ounces of liquid. Then she instructed me to spray off with a sprayer nozzle and dry with paper towels, then go sit on the toilet to make sure everything is eliminated.

After having this done a person is supposed to eat a liquid and blended diet for 24-hours. I was nervous about this because I have never been able to do that, my blood sugar gets low and I shake and get very weak. I drank an electrolyte drink she gave me and had 2 mason jars of juice afterward, then I had 2 mason jars of Pumpkin Pie in a Bowl (which is carrot just blended with ½ an avocado, 1 cup of sweet potato, pumpkin pie spice, and Stevia). Then my family and I headed to Costco. Up until this point I had a TON of energy, maybe from the colonic, maybe from the euphoria of overcoming a fear, maybe both, but I felt great and my eyes looked clearer to me. Anyway, while driving there I started to get dizzy, which often happens to me, especially while driving so I didn’t think much of it at first. Then I felt extremely tired and felt this urge to lie down, which was followed by intense nausea. It felt like morning sickness coupled with the stomach flu. I’d been feeling hungry as we were leaving the house so I wondered if that was the problem. After all, it had been 7.5 hours since I’d eaten solid food and I hadn’t had much blended food. All I had in the car were some Ak-Mak crackers (organic whole wheat crackers) I’d brought for the kids. I try not to eat grains, but this was a serious situation, so I ate 2. After a few minutes I started to feel less nauseated. I went in and did my shopping and as I was getting back in the car I felt sick again, so I ate a few more crackers and it eased up a bit. I had to force myself to eat, nothing sounded appetizing. When we got home I went straight to bed and slowly force-fed myself an apple. As I was finishing it I was feeling quite a bit better and wishing sweet potatoes baked faster because that actually sounded good, then the nausea came back. I stayed in bed for the rest of the night and felt normal the next morning… and my hemorrhoid was nearly GONE!!!! The therapist had explained that hemorrhoids are caused by not enough good bacteria. Our bodies need the probiotics to make vitamin K which our blood vessels need for strength, so the probiotic implant was definitely working!

My second colonic was on Wednesday the 1st of February at 10 am. I was far less nervous this time, no shaking, just a little bit of nerves because I know that every session will be a little bit different. For some reason this time the tube was less comfortable, despite the hemorrhoid being almost gone. More waste came out with the second colonic than the first. With both colonics I didn’t want the session to end. I felt like I could just stay there forever “giving birth to my past.” I coined that phrase during the first session when the therapist came in and we somehow got to talking about how it’s similar to giving birth and I made the comment, “I’m giving birth to my past over here.” I loved seeing all that poinson coming out of me. That is the headaches, and the IBS pain, and the depression and anxiety, and the muscle weakness… just leaving my body to be flushed and never heard from again! Seriously, I wish I could go every day.

Wow, this has turned into quite the novel! I’ll have to save the info about my next cleansing endeavor for another post…


Healing Crisis???

I’m currently on day 15 of this cleanse, and it has, by far, been the most interesting cleanse I have ever done. First of all, I had to count the days on the calendar just to tell you where I’m at. That in itself is interesting to me. This is the first cleanse I’ve ever done where I’m not counting down the days until it’s over, fantasizing about what I’ll eat when I’m able. The last no sugar/carb cleanse that I did was 2-weeks long and pretty much torture. I didn’t think that I could do that ever again. So when I decided to do a similar cleanse, take away the nuts and nut butters and do it for a week longer I was pretty intimidated. It’s actually been just fine, with the exception of a few recent events. Several days ago I had 2 days where I was just feeling low. On the second day I called to make my colon hydrotherapy appointments (I got a groupon for 2 at an affordable price, so there was only one place I could go). I’ve been saving these appointments since last July specifically for the end of this cleanse. I called a week and a half in advance expecting that they would have plenty of open appointments (after all, colonics are something you need to be able to do at a moment’s notice at the first sign of illness). Not so. The first open appointments they had were on the first 2 days after we leave town for Christmas. The lady said the last appointments on the days I wanted JUST went… and I’d been trying to call but the line was in use so I was sent to voice mail. Talk about a moment too late. So, I won’t be getting to really get a good cleaning out of all the toxins I’ve awakened during this cleanse, which means they will reabsorb to some extent and I will have to start over. I felt so low after this phone call I spent the next 24-hours considering quitting the cleanse. In the end I decided to just do the best I can with enemas.
But something far more interesting happened, and if you’re new to this concept I’m probably going to sound like a big cuke here. That’s okay, I’m quite used to it. For a week I had a sore throat at night. I figured I’d caught some of the cold that the kids have been passing around since Thanksgiving. And I very well may have. However, I also had the thought in the back of my mind that the grime that’s been festering in my lungs for years from the mold that was recently remediated from our house was stirring. Perhaps it was both. After a week of nightly sore throats I woke up last Saturday morning with a more-sore-than-ever throat, a not-all-there voice, and proceeded to cough stuff up all day. Toward late afternoon I lost all energy. I got very weak and a little nauseated and became a lump on the couch where I slept for a bit. Sunday morning I felt a little bit better, I had a manly voice and a cough but I went to church since I had a class to teach. About 30 minutes before church ended I started to feel weak and sick to my stomach. I thought it might be my blood sugar. After all it was 1:30 and I’d only had half of my usual consumption of juice and half of my pumpkin pie in a bowl (blended carrot juice, avocado, sweet potato, stevia, pumpkin pie spice), so essentially 60 ounces of liquid food. This is the longest I’ve ever gone with so little food, and remember, I do struggle with hypoglycemia. So I continued to sip my pumpkin pie, but it just didn’t feel right. I had to force it down. Normally I can’t stop myself from guzzling it. I got home, took care of the kids, and started dinner. I ate a carrot at 4:30 as I was cutting veggies for soup, this was my first solid food of the day. Between 5:45 and 6:30 I slowly managed to get down a large, plate sized salad and 2 small bowls of vegetable soup. I was gagging a little on it. I kept getting waves of nausea with what felt like hunger in between. I forced myself to eat because I thought that possibly I was feeling sick from low blood sugar, which has happened before. After dinner, I got SICK. I went to do an enema, because I normally have a bowl movement first thing in the morning but hadn’t had one at all that day. My abdomen was HUGE and felt like it was about to burst. As I was in the bathroom I was certain I was going to vomit. I did the best enema I could under the circumstances then laid down in a hot bath. By his time I was also freezing and shaking out of control. I had to lay on my left side. I can’t explain this, my body was just telling me to. I don’t know how long I was in the bath. I faded in and out of sleep for some time. The nausea continued to come in waves which would wake me. When the water cooled off I got myself out and fell into bed. I was so cold. I had my daughter bring me a bowl because I was still certain I was going to vomit and I couldn’t have made it back to the bathroom. Luckily my husband was there to help with the younger children through this. I spent the night on my left side going through some sort of transformation. I don’t know how else to explain this, here’s where the cuke comes in. My body went through phases of processes. It would repeat the same thing over and over and over and every time I would see a part of my internal body in my mind. This is very hard to explain. I didn’t even know what all of these parts are, I just know that what my body was doing was healing that part. There was a lot of work that went on in my ascending colon, where (if you’ve read earlier posts) I’ve had a hard, noisy lump topped with a tight, painful area for over a year and no doctor knows what it is. After a few hours I started to get sore from lying in the same position, but my body kept telling me to stay there. When I did try to move I would get extremely nauseated. If I stayed on my left side, it was mild. I had the feeling that his is because these toxins were moving through my colon and if I lay on my left side it would help them along as they wouldn’t have to be moved uphill against gravity. I have never had my body talk to me like it did that night. I was reassured that a “process” was taking place and that I should just rest and have faith. As I prayed I saw in my mind and felt angels surrounding me, countless in number. They were on all sides of me and all of them had their hands on my body. They were glowing white and emanated a blue light. At this point my husband came in a said I was burning hot. He took my temperature and it was 101.1. I hadn’t been aware that I had a fever at all. So this was Sunday night, and here I am Tuesday morning, upright for the first time. The nausea slowly got better, but until today every time I tried to stand I would be in too much pain in my stomach. It felt like gravity was just pulling on my guts in the wrong way. Yesterday I still had a fever and my muscles were killing me, but interestingly, my abdomen was VERY soft all over for the first time, and the lump was gone. Last night I released A LOT of gas. Probably stuff that’s been stuck in there for a very long time. I also did an enema yesterday afternoon, but my 3 year old woke up from his nap and I wasn’t able to get as far as I’d hoped. If he naps today I will do another. I’ve done a lot of pondering as to whether this was a flu or a healing crisis. If your unfamiliar with that term, a healing crisis is a set of symptoms that arise when the body releases a tremendous amount of toxins. Typically they will mimic illnesses you’ve had in the past or the flu. I really thought that I would be able to avoid this doing enemas. While I was lying in the bathtub Sunday night thinking I must have the flu my instincts told me a healing was going on. Right now I feel like something has been torn down and stripped away and that there is a rebuilding going on. And I woke up HUNGRY!!!! Unfortunately, during this process I’ve consumed a total of 5 pieces of sprouted grain bread, which is not to be eaten on this cleanse and will slow the cleansing process, but at several points I became hungry and that was all I could stomach. I also managed to get down 64 oz of fresh veggie juice last night. I had 2 of those slices of bread, a piece of raw goat cheese and some baby carrots this morning. I will go make my juice when I’m done here. This morning as I was getting in my last bits of sleep before the kids woke up I dreamed I had woken up and was scarfing this HUGE plate of cooked food, thinking all the while how sick I would feel after eating all that, especially first thing in the morning, but being too hungry to heed my own warnings! By the time I got the kids lunches made my blood sugar was so low I was shaking and hardly able to stand, so I ate those 2 pieces of toast to get my blood sugar up fast so that I could drive them to school.
I’m still coughing up chunks. Here’s something else interesting, I can breathe! Ever since yesterday I’ve been feasting on big, deep breaths. I haven’t been able to breathe deeply in SO long. It feels amazing. My husband is in finals now, but I intend to have him check for egophony again and see if I still have some infiltrates in my lungs, or if those little buggers have seen their last days in my body.
Another interesting thing. I had gained weight on this cleanse. This was very depressing. So when I had those 2 days of discouragement and wasn’t eating as well as I should have been I opted not to weight myself… I just didn’t even want to know how much I’d gained. There is a very basic principal with weight and that is that waste = weight. So it would make sense that if I am awakening more toxins than I can eliminate and only doing enemas without colon hydrotherapy I would be heavier. Well, I did weigh myself after those 2 days and MUCH to my surprise I’d gone from 122 to 117. 117 is the lowest I have ever weighed as an adult, I typically end cleanses at this weight and then bloat back up to 120-124. Well, this morning, after having been sick, I weigh 115. If you haven’t read previous posts I will repeat that I am 5’7”. And I will repeat this: most of you have NO CLUE what your true form looks like! Believe it or not, I am not emaciated, I am just taking on my true form. Humans are meant to be lean and strong. Remember, waste = weight, and you are likely carrying much more than you are aware of.
That’s my update for now, I will let you all know in a little over a week when my cleanse ends how things turn up. If you have any questions about cleansing or would like help doing your own cleanse contact me through my website

Happy, and Healthy, Holidays!!!


The Cleanse Is On!

I gave an overview of my cleanse in my last post. Now that I’m a few days in and feeling settled I thought I’d show you what my typical day looks like:

*Upon waking: 1-4 oz. Aloe Force (raw aloe vera, I’m starting with 1 oz and will be building to 4), Water, as much as I feel I need
*When my body feels the need: 64 oz veggie juice, usually carrot and leafy greens but I change it up every few days
*Around 11 or when I feel the need: 50-64 oz Pumpkin Pie in a Bowl (32 oz carrot juice, 1 raw sweet potato, ½ avocado, ½ tsp pumpkin pie spice, stevia to taste, blended well), Renew Life Critical Care 50 billion Probiotic
*Around 1-2:00: Large salad with mixed greens, tossed in lemon juice with stevia and sprinkled with several ounces of shredded raw goat cheese, 1 TBS coconut oil
*Snack on raw veggies until dinner (I like baby carrots and sugar snap peas)
*Dinner (around 5:30): Large salad with mashed avocado mixed with lemon juice and stevia as a dressing, topped with tomatoes and sometimes alfalfa sprouts, a properly combined cooked side (like an omelet, OR steamed veggies, OR baked root veggies like beets, parsnips, carrots, OR steamed peas OR veggies sautéed in a little butter and covered with marinara and goat cheese OR vegetable soup… just to give a few ideas, 1 TBS Coconut Oil
*Later in the evening: peppermint tea with chocolate flavored stevia, or raw veggies, or more of the cooked side from dinner (if I feel the need), 1 TBS Coconut Oil

Things are going well. I’ve gained some weight and I’m having some cramping in my low abdomen so I know I’m holding the awakened toxins. I did an enema today and will continue to do them. I will also be making a few appointments for colonics in about a week. But, this is a good sign that the cleanse is working! If I can’t get into a good release pattern with the irrigations I will back off a little and add a little fruit back into my diet. Constipation happens when toxins are awakened faster than your body can eliminate them. This is the cause of detox symptoms, and leads to autointoxication (re-absorption of the toxins), we don’t want that!! I will keep you updated, I’m sure my eating pattern will move around a bit. Day 1 was pretty difficult but it’s easier now. I accidentally went raw until dinner yesterday and it looks like I will comfortably be able to do it today too! That is a huge step for someone with hypoglycemia! The first 3 days I had some nuts (like 10) to help my blood sugar along, but doing well today (day 4).


It's in the Mix

Check out the photo. This is the miracle of proper food combining. In the first photo, which was taken about 3-4 weeks ago, I was helpless, bloated, uncomfortable… pretty much fat around the middle and miserable and I had no clue why. I’ve been trying to figure this out for over a decade. The past few weeks I’ve been (generally) following basic food combining principals, as suggested by Natalia Rose, and just look what it’s done for me! I really am so excited.
Starting Sunday I will be doing Natalia’s Detox for Women yeast cleanse (the intense systemic one). I will be following the systemic cleanse for 26 days (sandwiching it in between my son’s birthday and Christmas Eve when we arrive in D.C. to visit family, after which point I will be switching to the standard cleanse). The systemic cleanse involves eating only vegetables (raw and cooked), organic free-range eggs, and raw goat’s cheese. When I switch to the standard cleanse I will also be eating small amounts of low sugar fruits. I’m not sure how long I will do that for, I plan to just see how I feel. I would like to eat that way for the most part for a very long time, but we are planning on conceiving baby #4 in late winter so I will have to roll with that. Anyway, as far as the cleanse goes there will be updates and photos to come. I’m excited. I feel SO ready for this cleanse. I’ve been waiting over a month for the chance to do it and I really think my body will feel very happy once I get into it and past the initial detox symptoms. During this cleanse I will be taking coconut oil (as an antifungal), Renew Life Ultimate Flora Critical Care 50 Billion (probiotic) and Herbal Answers Aloe Force (raw aloe vera gel, for colon cleansing and digestive tract ease). I will be dry brushing, rebounding, getting as much sun and fresh air as possible in a St. Louis winter, doing enemas, and experiencing my first colon hydrotherapy treatments. Wish me luck!

Also, if you already haven’t, take a look at my website and see what I’ve been up to. If you’re interested in health and wellness tips add me on Facebook.


It’s Pretty Much a Miracle, Plus BIG NEWS

Remember the low fat discovery? Yes, well I’ve taken it a step further with the most amazing results. A friend suggested I read Natialia Rose’s book “Detox 4 Women.” I can’t say it enough—the book has changed my life! Here’s a great example. Two days ago I began to wonder if my period was coming. I didn’t feel at all like it was, it just seemed like it had been a while. I checked the calendar and saw it was due this Friday, which would have been 6 days away. Normally I would be incredibly bloated and have no energy during this time. I was thinking it would be interesting to see how I’m affected, now that I’m on this new diet, as the date nears. Much to my surprise I got it this morning. No warning. No bloat. No diarrhea. No nausea. No migraine. No cramps. No food cravings. I don’t even feel “mushy.” In fact, this morning I was lighter then I’ve been in over a year! AND my waist was smaller! I would normally around this time of month be 125-127 with about a 32 inch waist. I rarely if ever at any time get below 123 and 30 inches. Today I was 119 and my waist measured 28 inches, insanity!!!! I haven’t even done her detox yet, nor am I following the maintenance plan perfectly, and already I’ve seen great results. I have more energy than I’ve had… well, ever. I do intend to follow the detox, which is for yeast and ph balance, as soon as I can. I’m working around the holidays. I’ll be doing the systemic cleanse (the really strict one) and also talking Threelac along with it. My recent round of antibiotics and all the mold in our house hasn’t helped my body much. I feel like the lung infection is coming back. Hopefully we will have the money to have the mold remediated soon and I can cleanse it out of my system.
Anyway, I highly recommend this diet. In fact, I recommend it so highly I’m taking her course and will be certified to teach it when my husband finishes school and we can afford it. I plan to spend the rest of my life informing people about this. To be clear, this is a mostly raw diet (typically one serving of cooked food per day). It can be done vegan. I am doing it vegetarian with organic free range eggs and raw goat’s cheese on occasion. I do not drink wine or eat fish, though those are “allowed” on the diet. Mostly I’m eating vegetables in all their marvelous forms, with an emphasis on greens, especially juiced and blended greens. I am eating low fat and low sugar. During the systemic cleans I will have no cheese and no fruit at all. I plan to do the systemic cleanse for 3-4 weeks, along with several sessions of colon hydrotherapy and a whole lot of enemas so my body doesn’t reabsorb all the dead yeast and toxins that will be dumping into my colon.
Now, for the big news. I earned my Wellness Coaching certification a few days ago and launched my business today! Check it out


M.D.s, They Never Cease to Disappoint Me

I’ve had a difficult time breathing for a while now, a few years actually, but much worse recently. We have a mold problem in our house so I attributed it to that. Two weeks ago I had a transfer exam at the Chiropractic College my husband attends. My intern found a problem in the top of my right lung, which was confirmed by a clinician. Two weeks later the problem had spread to four parts of my lungs. They told me to see my PCP to have x-rays done to find out what the problem is. I don’t trust M.D.s because as a child they told me everything was in my head, and my mom trusted them over me. No medical doctor/allopath has ever once helped me with any problem I’ve had, and I’ve had many. We are on state medical so I was extra apprehensive about going because in my experience the quality of care is very low. I had an appointment set already to have the lump in my abdomen looked at so I figured that would be perfect I could just have both things check out at once.
So I get to this place, a cold no-so-sanitary looking office with sparse and cheap décor and a fogged glass window blocking off the waiting area from the receptionist. I wasn’t expecting it to be a warm place judging from the treatment I’d gotten over the phone when I made the appointment, but it was colder than I’d anticipated. There were two other women in the waiting area, one of which was not seen until an hour after her appointment time. She was irate (as she was there with a small child) and said that the same thing had happened the last time she came and she’d come on her lunch break and was very late getting back to work. She knocked on the window after about 45 minutes and asked the receptionist if she knew about how much longer it would be. The receptionist snapped back that she’s not the doctor. The lady explained to her that she understood that but that she is the receptionist and she is the only person patients can talk to, that she represents the doctors and the office and told her that her comment was very rude. There was a little altercation between the two of them. When I handed in my paperwork and she asked about having my records sent from my previous doctor I told her I hadn’t seen a doctor in like 10 years. She exclaimed, “You haven’t had a check-up in 10 years!” I told her I had but that our Chiropractor is our primary care physician. She looked at me like I was an alien and made a rude comment under her breath.
When I first got there I was informed that I was supposed to have been there at 12:30 for my 1:10 appointment and that there were several people who had appointments who had not shown up, but that if they did they would go before me. This was upsetting considering over the phone I was told to show up at 1:00 for my 1:20 appointment and I needed to pick my children up from school 25 minutes away at 3:35.
Finally, an hour later, I get called back by the nurse. She was upbeat and friendly, HOWEVER, when I explained that my intern had found a lung problem she says, “What are they pretending to be doctors now?” I countered with, “My husband goes to that school, and they ARE doctors, just not MEDICAL doctors.” As she was leaving she apologized for sounding like she was against Chiropractors and told me her sister is dating one and he’s great and what he does is great, but added, “But medical doctors are BEST.” She repeated this several times. I didn’t respond. It’s just plain ignorance. Anyone who receives a doctorate degree is a doctor, whether they are an allopath, a naturopath, chiropractor, psychiatrist, paleontologist, or whatever. There are doctors of all kinds of things. Is one better than the other? If I have a mental problem, should I see a paleontologist because I believe they’re the best? NO! If I’m having a baby should I see a psychiatrist? If I cut my hand open making dinner should I see a Chiropractor? Absolutely not! There are different doctors for different needs. I needed imaging done, so I went to a doctor who has those resources.
So I wait again and finally the doctor comes in. He’s young and friendly and I like him. I asked him a lot of questions and made it clear what I was all about. He felt my abdomen and told me it was likely a spasm caused by IBS and that it should be fine as long as I’m not vomiting or in so much pain I can’t stand or as long as I don’t go several days with no BM (he also offered me spasm meds but knew well enough by this time I would decline them). Agreed, HOWEVER, the problem has worsened and is low larger, lower, and sometimes mildly painful. It was not like this until recently, so obviously the problem is worsening. He did not feel imaging was necessary. He listened to my lungs, but only did one of the three tests the Chiropractor did. He did not do the two tests that caused them to find the problem. He said my lungs were clear and sent me on my way. I had been coughing stuff up for two days, so I thought there’s a chance I got whatever it was out. This morning my husband checked me again and confirmed that the problem is still in four areas. It’s called “egophony,” which means that when I make the sound “eeeeeeee” it sounds like “aaaaaaaa” in the stethoscope which indicates fluid in the lungs, which can have many causes including pneumonia. X-rays are necessary to assess the problem. If the cause cannot be identified and treated they need to insert a needle into the lungs and drain the fluid.
So now I’m wondering, do I go back to the same doctor, explain all this and hope he even knows how to test for egophony? Do I go back and insist on x-rays? Do I call the state insurance and request a new PCP and risk an even worse experience? Also, my son’s school now wants him to have hearing and vision testing to rule out a hearing problem as a cause for his speech problem, which means I get to deal with another state insured doctor and get the pleasure of telling them he has not received any vaccine ever, and no I would not like any, and no I’m not an imbecile.
Sigh. I don’t know what to do now.


My Love Story

I love a good love story, though my own is a little less conventional than most. Why am I writing a love story in a food blog? Because health is about the whole person, and this is a story that has impacted my emotional self deeply. There may be valuable lessons in this story for all people, and I hope you get something out of it. But the real reason I’m telling it is because it’s begging to be told.
Over a year ago, he started popping into my mind more frequently than usual. He, being my first love, my high school boyfriend, I’ll just say B (many of you know who this is anyway). As the weeks passed I was thinking of him more and more. It wasn’t so much intentional, he was just there. Every time I heard a country song, there he was. Every time I had a moment to hear my thoughts (in the shower, driving in the car, lying in bed at night), he was there.
To give you a little background, I met B in the 9th grade. We were both 14 years old. I had a crush on him from the moment I met him, and I actually went to school one day set on asking him to homecoming (this is significant considering I was an absolute social phobic). We were in science class (we sat next to each other) and right as I was opening my mouth to ask him, a guy came over, we’ll call him I, a dark, handsome, popular, football player, out of nowhere and asked me to go to the dance with him. How could I turn down such temptation? I didn’t. I and, well, I, dated for 7 months. This was my first relationship. During this time B and I got to be close friends. Little did I know he was just waiting in the wings, heeding the voice of his father, anticipating our breakup so he could make his move. That day did come, and B and I began dating about 2 months after. For 2 years we were inseparable. We had a lot in common. We were comfortable with each other. We were best friends. We dreamed of a future together. We spent hours staring into each other’s eyes, or sitting by the river just watching the water flow by. We went for walks, picked blackberries, drove around and browsed all the antique shops in the small towns in the valley we both grew up in. We were always in each other’s arms, both of us innately insatiable cuddlers. He was wonderful. I could have done nothing more for the rest of my life than kissed that boy and died a happy woman.
My family life during this time was turbulent, to say the least. I was dealing with abuse and an emotionally checked out mother. I’d dropped out of school to help care for my 2 youngest brothers. My step father went to jail, the oldest of my 3 younger brothers was abusing drugs and alcohol, was frequently stealing my mom’s car and running away from home, and conceived and aborted a baby at the age of 12 with his 15 year old girlfriend. B was the first person I’d ever felt loved by. He was the first person it was ever safe for me to love. He was the only security I had. He was my hope for a better future, my reason to make it through each day. He was on my side and was always there to listen and comfort me. Those 2 years ended when his dad took him to Thailand where he cheated on me with 2 women. My world was broken. I lost everything. It was all I could do to wake up in the morning and just breathe in and out. For years after that I was an emotional mess, always looking for love in the wrong places. B was still in my life. It just hurt so much to love someone like I loved him, to want to be with him forever, and to have him suddenly not love me back the same. Over the years we continued to grow up together. A lot of things happened between us and in our lives apart, but nothing ever came between us. We were always Holly and B. We were always each other’s… until I got married. Things had to change between us, it isn’t safe to have someone hold your heart like that and to spend hours cuddling together when that person is not your husband. We slowly drifted apart over the following 2 years. This was 6 years after we met. I quickly became a mother. My marriage failed. I was engaged to someone else, and that relationship also failed. I saw B for the last time in August of 2004, when I was 24 years old. He came over and we spent a few hours together. It was awkward, things had just changed so much in me. I had a daughter now, and needed to be an example and a protection to her. She’d already lost her father and the man who was to become her step-father. She knew B as “uncle B.” I also was converting religions at that time and had left that clingy, searching, will-do-anything-for-love girl behind. Shortly after, I met Kolby, the man who is now my husband. That was 7 years ago almost to this day. Kolby and I have been married for 6 ½ years. There are no regrets. I know I’m exactly where God wants me to be. I’ve known that without doubt since I prayed to know whether or not I should marry him. So why on earth, after all these years, was B suddenly haunting me?
I was so bugged by this unwanted obsession that figuring out why it was plaguing me began to take up a large amount of my focus and energy. For a long time I felt like I needed to apologize to him for the way I’d treated him. He was so good to me, and I, knowing nothing about love, having never seen it modeled, had no idea how to love him back. I found myself wishing desperately that I could go back for just one day and love him in a way that would reflect the love that I’d felt for him. I went to WA for a month and contemplated finding him so that I could apologize, but I didn’t out of concern for how my husband would feel about it. After all, the only reason he wasn’t still in my life in the first place was that my husband wasn’t comfortable with him there. When I got home I found that my husband had done something heartbreaking. I began crying, mournful over the fact that I’d passed up my opportunity to apologize and release these feelings out of concern for the feelings of a man who’d had no concern for my feelings in return.
I went on with life as usual, and the obsession deepened, as did the focus I put into figuring out why it was there in the first place. It felt so comforting to think about him… I shouldn’t say him really, I wasn’t thinking about him as a person, I was thinking about the feeling I’d had with him and longing to have that again. I wanted that comfort and security. I wanted my husband to be my best friend. I wanted a relationship like that again. I did everything that I could do to elicit this kind of relationship from my husband. We even worked on it in marriage counseling. For a while I really thought I was just returning to these thoughts out of habit for comfort. One night I decided to process these feelings with The Script (see the book Feelings Buried Alive Never Die), which is a means of reprogramming negative emotions into positive ones. I sat holding The Script with the intention of processing B right out of my heart. But I couldn’t do it. I was more bugged by this that anything. WHY??? What was it that I needed from these thoughts, what did it serve to hold on to him? Why, when I considered letting him go, did panic arise in me? These we dark months. I was obsessing. I knew there was something I was supposed to learn from this, some unmet need begging for voice. I just had to figure out what it was. In the meantime this was all interfering with my relationship with my husband, and that was already distant and often painful as it were. I felt like I’d been running in circles begging him to love me for so long, I was emotionally exhausted. I knew in my head that he loved me, I just couldn’t feel it in my heart, nor could I open my heart to him and risk being hurt again.
It took a lot of time, and a series of events too complex for me to even be able to sort out in my memory, but in the end, I figured some things out. I’ve reached a point of clarity. He is now safely in my distant memory and I’m thankful for what he was to me at that time in my life and for what he’s taught me as I’ve revisited the emotions of those years together. I realized there’s just something about a first true love. When you have never lost love before and don’t know the risk involved in loving, you love without fear. You love purely with complete abandon. I believe this is how we are meant to love, but life has a way of conditioning us to raise guard against love. When our hearts are broken for the first time, we tend never to love with complete abandon again. We tend to hang on to memories of that first love, as though it were the only true love we will ever know. We sometimes are not able to see the love right in front of us because we are hanging on so tightly to love that’s passed. B was the first person I’d ever felt loved by, and I mean the very first. I had never feel love from a parent or sibling or friend. Not fearless love. Not love for me just for being me. He was the first person I opened my heart to. I loved him back just as much as he loved me, maybe even more. I told him everything. He was the only person I could tell things to. He was my ally. For the longest time I thought he and I had something so special. We were Holly and B. We always had been. Why wouldn’t we always be? I continued to want to see him and apologize and even tracked him down online and sent him 3 messages, the second of which was reciprocated by a message from him. I admit I was hurt by his nonchalance and the fact that he didn’t write me back after the first message, and when he did write me back it was short and, though friendly, said nothing “real.” I told him there were so many things in my heart I wanted to say to him but he didn’t write me back again. For several weeks I was hurt and kept telling myself “he doesn’t care, just let him go.” I realized after time that I didn’t need to apologize to him, he was fine. He had no attachment to me, and no interest in hearing all these things that were in my heart. He was over it. It was in the past for him. It needed to be in the past for me too. I didn’t need his forgiveness, I only needed to forgive myself.
Finally, one night, it came to me. The reason for all of this. The answer. Many weeks before, after having prayed for a clue, part of the answer had come to me: I was holding on to the memory of the feelings I’d had of being loved because I was so afraid I would never feel loved like that again. I then came to realize that Kolby loved me more than B. He may not speak my love language, he may not actively love me in a way that causes me to feel loved, but he loved me so much he made me his forever. B did not. But the most significant realization, the one that came long at last, was that I truly did not believe that I could ever love another person like I loved B. I did not think I was capable of loving outside of that relationship. I realized that it wasn’t him who made me love; that love was in me. It was a part of me. It came only from me. If I was able to love then, surely I can love now. I’ve realized that I have the power to do that. I didn’t lose love. I lost a person, one who was not intended to be in my life forever and one who in the end didn’t love me enough to give me the marriage and children I wanted more than anything. Now, here I am with a wonderful man, who did and does love me like that. Kobly and I have been through so much together. He has broken my heart repeatedly like no one else could. I’ve forgiven him only to have him break my trust again, and again. But I now appreciate his love for me, and I now know that I have the love within me that I desire so much to share with him. I don’t know quite how to access it yet. I’m still holding on to past hurts and I’m still very afraid of loving and being hurt again. But, I want now more than ever to love without fear. And I know that if I was capable of it in the past, I am also capable now.
This is part of the story of my journey to love. It is a journey I will continue on throughout my life. I’ve long struggled with the inability to feel love from others and to express love to others. I am determined to let the people in my life know that I love them and am grateful to have them. I am now also determined to learn to let go of the past and love my husband in the moment, as he is now, and as the man he has the potential to be. To see him as Christ sees him, to accept and love him through his temporal trials. I know that in the end he will be there, perfected and calling my name, because I am his chosen, I am the woman he has sewn himself to for eternity. I am the one that he loves. And every day until then I make the conscious decision to try and love him better, with less and less fear and a more open heart. I pray the same for all of us and all the people in our lives. The more we love, the happier our happily ever afters will be.
The end.


The Jitters

For the past 3 days I’ve been shaky. Oddly, it’s not like if I pick something up you can visibly see it shaking in my hand, I’m shaky on the inside. And nervous. Like I might have a panic attack at any minute. For the first 2 days I thought maybe the fruit is affecting me again and I’m just spasing out. I thought maybe I need to be working out hard to burn off the sugar if I’m going to be eating fruit. And then I though, you know, there have been times in the past I felt something unsettling physically, and after talking it out it turned out to be an emotional problem. I started talking it out inside myself. ‘Is something going on I’m not fully aware of?’ I asked myself. My first response was, ‘No, everything is fine. What could possibly be wrong?’ But as I thought about it some things began to surface, and since I don’t have anyone to talk to at the moment, I figured I’d talk it out here.
First of all, the thing I’m feeling is most urgent is the anxiety I’m feeling over starting my Wellness Coaching business. Even if I were 100% confident in my abilities, it would still be such a huge life change that it would be enough on its own to send me into panic. But added to that is the fact that I don’t feel 100% confident. I don’t think I should at this point. I know I’ve reached a place where I can’t go any further as far as learning how to be a great coach without getting out there and learning from the actual experience of coaching. I know how I’m going to do everything, and I know this is what I’m meant to do. I’m struggling with having faith that it will all move along smoothly and I’m worrying over the little things. Not so much the actual act of coaching, I’m pretty calm about coaching once I have a client. What I worry about is things like what to say when I answer the phone, and how to sell myself in a comp session. I worry about being too nervous to take charge and fake confidence and create a safe comfortable space for my client. I’ve always been the kind of person who lets others take the lead. In conversations I’m just along for the ride. It’s very difficult for me to think of questions to ask people. Well, what is a Wellness Coach? A person who is an expert at asking questions. I’m worried about money. I’m worried I won’t be able to find clients and mostly that my husband will be upset if I’m not earning enough. I’m worried that the business costs will upset him and I’ll have to make at least enough to cover those. I’m also worried about the opposite, of having a high demand for my services and not wanting to turn down any opportunities and becoming too busy and overwhelmed. I’m worried a client might be mean to me. I’m worried about feeling like a failure. I’m worried about meeting in public places where I have social anxiety issues as it is. But I also don’t feel it’s safe to meet people for the first time in their homes or mine. I’m worried about all the business aspects, since I am not at all a business person. I’m worried about it taking me away from my kids even more than I already am. I’m worried about the chores piling up even worse than they already are. I could go on and on. I didn’t even realize I was having all these thoughts!
Second, the lump. I tried to call and make a Dr. appointment yesterday and the number was disconnected. I looked it up online and that number gave me a busy signal. I will now likely have to call the insurance and see what can be done. If you know me, you probably know I have social anxiety where the phone is concerned, so this is a pretty big stressor. I’m also behind on several other phone calls, including the one to have the mold remediated from our house. And since I now have a little infection festering in my right lung, I really need to get on that. But back to the lump, I’m worried about dealing with state funded doctors. I’m worried about the tests they might run, and worried that they won’t run any at all. And of course I’m worried about what they might find and what treatment it might need.
Randomeness… I’m worried about how the dog keeps getting out of the yard and my husband is threatening to “get rid of her”. I’m worried about getting everything ready for the yard sale. I’m worried about the sink full of dishes and the piles of laundry to be folded. I’m worried about the fact that it’s been 2 months since I worked out and I can’t seem to get motivated to go to the Y in the mornings. I’m worried about how all three of my kids suddenly came down with UTIs… why would they all get one at the same time? I’m worried about having paid $15 to post an ad online to sell my hair and so far I’ve only gotten email scammers. I’m worried about needing to figure out a special healthy treat to make for the kids that they will all like for Saturday night, which is our family fall decorating party. I’m worried about having my cavities drilled on the 18th after I heard a kid screaming having his done while I was getting mine cleaned. The lady kept saying he’s a great patient and must not be all the way numb and she couldn’t believe the Dr. was doing that to him.
And then there are the usual, deeper issues. Worry about my health. Worry about dying and leaving my kids. Worry about my husband finishing school and us moving to Arizona. And the #1 fear of all time, the one that has followed me from birth, the fear of not being loved, accompanied by the fear of loving. I have yet to feel anything worse than loving with my whole heart and not being loved back. I feel trapped because I feel I can’t discuss feelings with my husband. He is instantly overwhelmed and angry at my feelings because he feels out of control and knows he can’t make things better. If only he could understand that he CAN help by just being my friend and not judging what I say to him.
I am well aware that what we fear becomes our reality. I’m aware that thoughts are things and that whatever we think will materialize in our lives. But what do I do with all this? Comments are more than welcome!



Remember my suspicion that it was fat, not sugar, that was causing my issues with hypoglycemia and bloating? Well, I went to my enzyme therapy doctor yesterday. I got the results from a 24-hour urinalysis and had a full physical done. All of the results indicated NO problems with sugar, but quite a few problems with the assimilation of fats and proteins. Well, no wonder I felt great eating high protein and low fat! I’m now taking an enzyme with everything that I eat that is high in lipase (a fat digesting enzyme), to help my body break down fats. After that I will likely be taking an enzyme supplement for my liver, which has consistently shown high levels of stress. I couldn’t be more excited to have FINALLY, after years of desperation, figured this out!
Now, the not so good. I’ve had this large lump in the lower right quadrant of my abdomen for a good year now. It changes size, moves, and often gets rock hard for a minute and then softens again when I rub it. It makes sloshing sounds when I massage it. I can work it up to where my ascending colon meets my transvers colon and there it gets stuck and meets with a pinching pain. No one I’ve seen can tell me what it is. My instincts tell me there’s a partial blockage at the twist of my colon there. I’m going to have to go see the Dr.s who take my state medical coverage and demand ultrasound or CT scan and see if they will oblige. Hopefully they don’t just try and offer me a bunch of drugs. All Dr.s have ever done is told me my problems are in my head, so I’m reluctant to say the least.
BUT on another good note (I like to outweigh the negative with the positive) I should have my Wellness Coaching certification within a week AND I am now enrolled in the Food Psychology Certification Program, which is the very thing I got into coaching to do. I’m so excited about this because they are closing the program today due to the fact that the author of it (Marc David, he’s amazing, check out his books) is creating a similar program as a Master’s degree for a University. We really didn’t have the money to do it, but lucky girl that I am my husband loves me and apparently believes in me. When I heard they were closing the program I, ironically, got depressed and attempted to sooth my sorrows with my One Lucky Duck ice cream. But all is good now, I’m on my way to fulfilling my purpose and living my dream and I feel amazing!!!